There are pros to being young.

Bubba text me yesterday to say he had a date.  I'm really excited for him.  I'm glad he's moving on, even if he still does love that asshole.  He actually surprised me last weekend by coming to town.  We did a lot of angry break up car karaoke.  It was nice.  I really hope things go smoothly for him for awhile.  He takes things too seriously sometimes.  Hopefully he'll date around or at least not get serious about anyone anytime soon.

On the home front, I almost moved out last week.  I found a woman's shirt in my laundry that wasn't mine.  Before I said anything to the boy, I asked all my female friends who had been over since I'd done laundry last if they had left a shirt in my room.  All denied it being theirs.  So I confronted the boy.  He'd been acting moody since I came home from Mom's (weekend of the Fourth) and getting mad at me about stupid little things: me asking for a soda, Tank following the roommate out the open front door, etc.  It all was my fault for some reason.

We ended up having this big thing about it.  The next day, a coworker came over and said it was her's when she saw it.  I was not happy.  I'm no longer a jealous person, but that shirt caused me too much heartache and time than it was worth.  Sometimes I wonder if things like this have started happening as a way of something telling me we aren't meant to be together.  I don't want to think about a life without the boy, he's the love of my life.  Hopefully this is just a rough patch for us and things get better.  If not, life will go on even if I don't want it to....

Bubba caught his boyfriend with another guy yesterday... I'm not sure how to help him get through this.  I've never caught any SO with anyone else, so this is one experience I'm at a loss with.  He decided to tell his BF's parents about them so that they knew he wasn't just being rude when he left abruptly the other day.

I just found out, like seriously just now, that his BF ended things and said he was getting a new roommate for this fall when they start school.  I know BF is upset but he couldn't hide everything forever.  He was going to have to tell his parents and he's going to have to grow up and stop screwing around when he's with someone.

My brother is heartbroken.  He doesn't know how to handle this.  I don't know how to help.  I'm scared for him.  He keeps saying he just wants to be normal.  What is normal?  Being attracted to the opposite sex?  I don't find that normal.  I'm not just attracted to men.  But I don't consider myself all that normal either.  He thinks people wouldn't judge him if he were "normal".  How wrong he is.  People judge to judge.  I don't know how to get that through to him.  I don't know how to help him.

I don't want him to do something stupid because his first real relationship didn't work out.  They hardly ever do.  How do I help him?  I need a lot of help with this...

Odd Thing I noticed in a movie...

So as you know, I've been researching Wicca.  Everything I have read has said Paganism is one of the oldest religions.  I didn't really know how old it could actually be, but I got a good hint tonight as to how deep it is ingrained in our culture without our knowing.

I was watching The Brothers Grimm when I noticed that one of the characters followed what some called "the old ways."  After watching how she reacted with nature and how she lived, I realized it was very close to the nature religion part of Wicca.

I don't know why, but that amused me.  Even while the Christian majorities try to belittle and push the old ways into oblivion, they are still being used and referred to by the masses whether they know it or not.

Sorry, just had to get this out there.  Does anyone else ever see this?

Finding my place

I'm not sure many people know this about me, but I consider myself agnostic.  I just don't know where I fit in spiritually in this world.  I've been doing research on different beliefs and have started looking deep into the Earth-based religions.  I've always felt very connected to nature and am always of a better state of mind when I'm out in the natural world.  I know some people will call me a Satan worshiper if I decide to follow this path and say I don't believe in God.  Each of these is not true.  I believe for sure in a higher spirit that created or had some hand in creation.  I do not, however, believe in something that lives in the sky away from those he/she created.  I believe that the high spirit is among us and part of everything.  Maybe this is the path for me, maybe it isn't.  The only way I can know for sure is to dig deeper.


On another note, Bubba and Mom are in Orlando right now for Bubba's high school band trip.  Hopefully they bring me an elephant back!!  I hope they stay safe and enjoy their trip.  Can't wait to see pictures and hear stories!  Not sure if Dad and Bubba are on talking terms, but since Bubba got the new car Dad is testing his to see if it would be worth bringing to Norman for me.  So at least Dad and I are still semi-good.  I should probably talk to Bubba about telling our folks soon.  They deserve to know their son and daughter as well as possible.

Here's some pictures from Bubba's graduation last week.

Bubba's new Ford Fiesta

Me with Mayor Bloomberg, at Bubba's Academic All-State Banquet

Bubba and I after he graduated

Bubba Graduated High School!

My little brother finally graduated high school on Friday.  It was a big relief for Matt and I.  I wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to deal with some of the things that went on in his high school.  Only a few people know his secret, but teenagers can be so cruel. 

It was a small crowd for his graduation.  Five years ago, we had several more people.  But some moved, some passed away, and others had an idea of the issues our family is going through and chose to steer clear.  Unfortunately, our father was one of those who didn't show.

Bubba and dad had a huge falling out earlier in the week.  Dad suspects he is gay and isn't happy about it.  Bubba avoided him at his awards assembly Monday, and, in turn, alienated some of the "old people" (what dad calls them) who came to see his awards.  Apparently this was a big enough slight to keep my father from wanting to see his only son graduate.

Watching him walk across the stage first in his class was the proudest moment of my life.  He worked hard to get through it all and still excel.  I cried a little when I realized dad had missed out on this chance forever.  Your child only graduates top of their high school class once.  I looked over and saw my mom was tearing up as well.  It was heartbreaking.

At the end of graduation, they held a drawing for a new car.  The students got an entry for each A they received on their progress reports, if they took them to the dealership.  Bubba ended up winning the car.  He worked so hard to get college paid for, and it paid off.  He's going to be getting paid to attend State and has a new, reliable car to get him there.

Dad would have been proud.  I wish he could have swallowed his pride and at least hid in the back.  I don't know if I will ever completely forgive him, I doubt Bubba ever will.

Dad didn't go home that night.  He still hasn't contacted my mom.  I really hope this doesn't affect their marriage.

An Introduction

After going through some of the things I have in the last few years, I thought it would be a good idea to share my experiences with others.  I know I am not alone in these trials, but I know it can feel that way.

My little brother is gay.  I am bisexual and possibly bipolar.  My boyfriend has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  He and I are not properly diagnosed, however, both are more than somewhat likely.  We have been talking about going to see a doctor but not sure about the idea.

Living in Oklahoma, it is difficult to live with any of these things.  Try dealing with them all at one time.  My brother and I are both having to hide our preferences from our family.  I hate lying to them.  I want them to know everything about me, but I know that there is a good chance I could lose them as well.

I'm not sure where I want to go with this blog, other than a place to safely express my thoughts and observations.  Maybe no will ever read this, maybe they will.  Hopefully this does give to some one, some where so that they know they are not alone.