Finding my place

I'm not sure many people know this about me, but I consider myself agnostic.  I just don't know where I fit in spiritually in this world.  I've been doing research on different beliefs and have started looking deep into the Earth-based religions.  I've always felt very connected to nature and am always of a better state of mind when I'm out in the natural world.  I know some people will call me a Satan worshiper if I decide to follow this path and say I don't believe in God.  Each of these is not true.  I believe for sure in a higher spirit that created or had some hand in creation.  I do not, however, believe in something that lives in the sky away from those he/she created.  I believe that the high spirit is among us and part of everything.  Maybe this is the path for me, maybe it isn't.  The only way I can know for sure is to dig deeper.


On another note, Bubba and Mom are in Orlando right now for Bubba's high school band trip.  Hopefully they bring me an elephant back!!  I hope they stay safe and enjoy their trip.  Can't wait to see pictures and hear stories!  Not sure if Dad and Bubba are on talking terms, but since Bubba got the new car Dad is testing his to see if it would be worth bringing to Norman for me.  So at least Dad and I are still semi-good.  I should probably talk to Bubba about telling our folks soon.  They deserve to know their son and daughter as well as possible.

Here's some pictures from Bubba's graduation last week.

Bubba's new Ford Fiesta

Me with Mayor Bloomberg, at Bubba's Academic All-State Banquet

Bubba and I after he graduated

Bubba Graduated High School!

My little brother finally graduated high school on Friday.  It was a big relief for Matt and I.  I wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to deal with some of the things that went on in his high school.  Only a few people know his secret, but teenagers can be so cruel. 

It was a small crowd for his graduation.  Five years ago, we had several more people.  But some moved, some passed away, and others had an idea of the issues our family is going through and chose to steer clear.  Unfortunately, our father was one of those who didn't show.

Bubba and dad had a huge falling out earlier in the week.  Dad suspects he is gay and isn't happy about it.  Bubba avoided him at his awards assembly Monday, and, in turn, alienated some of the "old people" (what dad calls them) who came to see his awards.  Apparently this was a big enough slight to keep my father from wanting to see his only son graduate.

Watching him walk across the stage first in his class was the proudest moment of my life.  He worked hard to get through it all and still excel.  I cried a little when I realized dad had missed out on this chance forever.  Your child only graduates top of their high school class once.  I looked over and saw my mom was tearing up as well.  It was heartbreaking.

At the end of graduation, they held a drawing for a new car.  The students got an entry for each A they received on their progress reports, if they took them to the dealership.  Bubba ended up winning the car.  He worked so hard to get college paid for, and it paid off.  He's going to be getting paid to attend State and has a new, reliable car to get him there.

Dad would have been proud.  I wish he could have swallowed his pride and at least hid in the back.  I don't know if I will ever completely forgive him, I doubt Bubba ever will.

Dad didn't go home that night.  He still hasn't contacted my mom.  I really hope this doesn't affect their marriage.

An Introduction

After going through some of the things I have in the last few years, I thought it would be a good idea to share my experiences with others.  I know I am not alone in these trials, but I know it can feel that way.

My little brother is gay.  I am bisexual and possibly bipolar.  My boyfriend has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  He and I are not properly diagnosed, however, both are more than somewhat likely.  We have been talking about going to see a doctor but not sure about the idea.

Living in Oklahoma, it is difficult to live with any of these things.  Try dealing with them all at one time.  My brother and I are both having to hide our preferences from our family.  I hate lying to them.  I want them to know everything about me, but I know that there is a good chance I could lose them as well.

I'm not sure where I want to go with this blog, other than a place to safely express my thoughts and observations.  Maybe no will ever read this, maybe they will.  Hopefully this does give to some one, some where so that they know they are not alone.